Dune

Primitive blue-eyed muslims are pitted against space-faring Nazis on a desert planet. Only space Jesus can save the day, but first he needs to harness the power of the Voice to seduce his mother and do a silly walk across the desert. His love interest, played by the trendy Zendaya, is teased in fleeting visions, but she arrives too late for any sparks to fly. We aren't even treated to a shower scene or a scene where she tells the protagonist to turn around so she can change her shirt (we do get such a scene between space Jesus and his mother). There's little here that appeals to a cisgender, heterosexual man. If getting blueballed isn't bad enough, the fight choreography is weak and makes little sense. There's a scene where a militia charges into the open armed with only swords to attack a fleet of battle ships.

I was promised a mature and sophisticated space opera. What I got was a Star Wars that is twice as goofy and half as fun. The actors are directed to whisper and growl for dramatic effect, but this did little to impress me. We don't even get the satisfication of a complete story. They should have wrapped things up because I won't be watching the sequel.